Why I hate being white…sometimes

Any Caucasians out there who read this? I think so. Any of them you been to Asia?  Be ready to smile. Not because of the amazing experience, not because of the antics of the locals, not because of the sheer wonder and child-like joy of seeing the other side of the world and see tradition untouched by centuries of time. It’s because everywhere i go in this country people stop me and say “can i take your picture?’ And I’m a good head taller than most people here, I can look over a crowd and find my buddies among a hundred Malaysians. But getting requests for pictures, with women who could be anywhere from the age of 14 to 40, I’m sorry I’m not trying to be racist (goodness, no, my country beat that out of me) I am just so bad at guessing Asian ages. That’s just something I’ve learned from all the women I’ve met through the years. Guess too old and they think they look droopy and ancient, guess too young and they think they look immature. So it’s just another thing on my list of ‘Things you don’t Guess about Women.’  Also on the list “weight, shoe size and number of men they’ve maimed, beaten or killed by asking about any of those previously stated questions.” Be wary fellow men, watch what you say around women.  One of the most important things I’ve learned is to just shut up. Something i couldn’t accomplish today at work. Let me explain, I was in a bilge, which is like a ditch for the ship, it just collects all the water that leaks from machinery. So, it’s a pretty small space, and while their is air, it isn’t really circulated that well, now add some paint and thinner to that environment and it kinda affects your thinking. you’re not good with the putting the right words of order out of your mouth coming properly.and you say things you shouldn’t and you experience deja vu and you tomato things that don’t alligator sense and you experience deva ju.   Also you make lame puns and you have the munchies, well i did anyway, really wanted mini-wheats. Did I mention you experience deva ju? I did manage to paint the bilge, and not offend too many people along the way. I never knew there were so many different kinds of paint, sure different colours i knew, but different kinds? We have Interbond, Interprime, Interlac, and Then there’s part A and Part B to most of those, and there are numbers like 660 and 189 attached and it makes it difficult to find the right paint. I had a hard enough time when I walked into Home Depot up to the big smiling face of Debbie Travis and browsed through the plethora of colours, trying to decide if i wanted midnight on a summer’s beach black or Tuscany dusk under a train station black.  I painted the bilge ‘Storm Grey’ which doesn’t sound to outlandish, but look at some of these actual colours that can be bought to grace the walls, floors, roofs, and carpets of your house. ‘Stagecoach’ ‘Reboot’ ‘Jackal’ ‘Tribal Drum’ ‘And you experience deva ju’ What happened to the ‘Roy G. Biv’ they taught us in pre school? Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo (which i never really included in my colour pallet anyway) and purple (none of that violet business).

I could be all wrong, I could be all right
Either way there’s shades of grey we both don’t like
Maybe there is hope, maybe I’m naïve
Perhaps it’s just the point of view that’s hard to see
Yeah I’ve heard life’s gone in a moment
So I’m giving it my all

I figured this song is appropriate, it’s called Colors and Sounds by Article One

Now, the real question, is white actually a colour?

And as if i needed to write anything more…the style of this poll was called ‘Plain White’

German Monopoly (Warning: May contain culturally insensitive material)

What do I love the most about living in an international community? There is of course the food, the interesting cultural dress and dances, the different languages and all that stuff. But by far the best part is finding out that you can make cultural jokes (to some extent) without it actually being racist or offensive. Tonight, we were playing a good old game of Monopoly with a German, a Brit, an American and me, a Canadian. And every country has a different way of playing, different places to buy, different Chance/ Community Chest cards. A real good example of the differences is that in the German version the properties are places like “Czechoslovakia,” “Poland” and “France” and instead of buying them you just land on them and you get them. There’s also fun Chance cards like ‘Blitzkrieg!  Take any three properties” or “Repairs after Bombings, Pay $50 for each house, $75 for each hotel.” Have you done anything culturally insensitive recently? At home I never really though about it since my hometown is so white. Everyone was a third of fourth generation Canadian and had lost most connections with their home country, they’ve lost language, dress, and general knowledge of that country. Every now and then a grandmother will make a cultural dish, or some carried down family tradition. Speaking of traditions, it is almost Christmas time, I really love this time of year. My family has some good Christmas traditions and I’m going to miss them this year. For the first time in my life instead of seeing snow for Christmas I’ll be seeing a whole bunch of Singaporeans.  I wonder how you say Merry Christmas in Singaporean?

Experience my World

I think you guys should get a taste of what I’m seeing

This, this of course is our beautiful ship, the Logos Hope. Crew of 400 people from over 50 different countries, and surprising, the germans don’t mind too much when we crack ww2 jokes.

The Twin Towers of Malaysia, in the capital city of Kuala Lumpur, reach high into the sky.

Fried mee! good food for only $1, i love this country

Monkeys, this country has them, mine doesn’t

Well, I hope you enjoy these pictures, I will put more up if you want them.

I’m on a Ship!

no, you are not getting an apology for my lacking of blogging. Pour quoi? (that’s the french word for why, that’s right, i’m adding a wee bit of class to this blog) because i have a legit reason. I’ve been busy, i’ve been training to be a watch keeper on the M.V. Logos Hope.  That does not mean I get to look after all the Rolexs on board, (besides, i’ve already lost my watch, so thankful that is not the litmus test for watch keeping). In actuality it means i work in the engine room of the ship, looking over temperatures, pressures, amounts, levels, buttons and alarms. I have no idea what half the machinery did when i first came on board in September (snap, it has been such a long time since i wrote) but now i know a bunch of stuff, like the air conditioning unit ( a must have for a Canadian living in Malaysia), the generators (affectionately called Gene(jenny) 1, 2 &3)  which break down as often as a car on a first date, i’ve learnt about bilges, LOPs, DOPs and HOPs which purify oils by spinning them around really fast…like really really fast. Also i get to work with 4 4000hp engines, which stand taller than me. I work there 40 hours a week, with people from all over the world. Litrally. I work with people from the UK, Germany, Sri Lanka, Paraguay, Brazil, the US and various other countries.  If you’ve never heard of the Logos Hope I encourage you to check it out, i don’t think my words could do it justice. Which is saying quite a bit, because i usually think my words are adequate to describe anything. especially if i can manage to type out sound effects, makes my blogs more effective. It did occur to me while i was working that i haven’t written in a while, and i missed it. so here we go again, with a new location for blogging. Right now i’m in Kuching, Malaysia. Now, a little trivial trivia for you; Kuching, in the local language means ‘cat’ last week, Myself and several other guys from the engine department went on an outing to an Orangutan rehab center. (no, we didn’t see the Charlie Sheen or Amy Whinehouse  of the ape world) it was Orangutans who had been kept as pets or something and were being reintroduced into the wild. maybe some had histories of drug abuse (although in Malaysia that is punishable by death) but most were just really cranky pets that peed on the carpet one too many times or bit off someone’s finger, you know, small forgivable mistakes that could happen to any pet. (except goldfish, i’ve never seen one bite a finger off, or pee on a carpet for that matter since if the goldfish is on a carpet it’s probably dying or dead, and you’d be more worried about resuscitating it unless you are one of those heartless people who enjoying watching things die(i could use some of those for my evil overlordness though, heartless people make great executioners, torturers, used car-salesmen, tax collectors and baby sitters.) whoops, where’d i go…off on another trail going every which way. but, i did mention Logos Hope which was my main goal for this, so remember that. and we’ll close it off with a song;

Go ahead reveal yourself
As you were born to do
Their fathers killed the prophets
Hallelujah! They’re going to kill us too

Maidens sing at the harvest
Children dance on the ground
Angels join in the gladness
The end will come here soon
As humble men rejoice in their own ruin

Stephen, Stephen, tell me
Weren’t you even scared?

‘Final’  By Children 18:3

nothing more to say §

This is what i’m talking about! This is the exact thing i was talking about in my last post! Spelling mistakes. Horrible, ugly, generally non- proficient mistakes. As i was googling the lyrivs for that Children 18:3 song I came across a website. A very good website. full of lyrics and whatnot. The line near the top of the page?  ”Visitors: 595 visitors have hited Homemade Valentine Lyrics since June 03, 2010.” Again, that’s “595 visitors have hited Homemade Valentine” if you still don’t see it “hited.” my Google chrome is going crazy over that i’m getting more red lines than my grade 12 biology exam. (that’s a lie, i actually did fairly well on that exam, i drew pictures and everything.) Feels like Microsoft Word on the internet. I keep expecting the little paper clip guy to pop up. “Looks like you are trying to write a blog. need help?” he was the best. Saving your documents, answering your questions, fixing your mistakes, distracting you from your work. pretty sure that’s why he doesn’t pop up automatically anymore. Companies complained about it being distracting.   Its always the company’s fault. the fat cats. the big wigs. Anyway, that’s not important. At this point in time. And now i lost track of what i was saying cuz i wrote that half yesterday, got bored, and now started writing it again today. i guess i could keep talking about ‘hited” unless you guys are getting bored of that. tell you what, i’ll Google it. if nothing funny/interesting/dastardly comes up, we’ll move on. Actually, funny story about this. First thing to show up? yahoo answers; ‘Is hited a word?’ All the answers? “no” “nope” “nu-uh” “its hit” So i think we get the point. I just survived a thunderstorm of heroic proportions, just in case you’re wondering. it was pretty tough. wind. rain. lightning. thunder. scared dog. my dog is so scared, she actually starts shaking. violently. i wish i had more exciting things to write about. i could tell you  about my grad. boy wouldnt that be fun. maybe i’ll work on this post more tomorrow which will really be today for you guys. there’s that time paradox thingy again. And now it’s like three days after i started writing and i’m behind in my thoughts. sigh. i’ll just publish this as it is. disgraceful. no title, no tags, no picture. not even this thing §

This blog is a lie

So, minions two new exciting things, actually three, possibly four. I haven’t decided how much i’ll let you guys in on yet.  So, first i have a new laptop, yeah, it was a grad/birthday/going away/generally being awesome gift. so its pretty legit. blog anytime, anywhere, anyhow, anywhy, anywho…as long as i have a wifi connection. And enough battery life. And an idea. And minions. And Fingers.  OK, so that was the first point, my climb up the technology ladder. Second point, which you probably guessed by now, the title is true (ooh, paradox), this isn’t actually about whatever i wrote as a title. Because as of this point i haven’t actually written a title. the title usually gets written right before i post it. so who knows what it’ll say. well, you guys will know obviously, since i’ll post it by then. woah, i just realized this is like one of those confusing time travel movies. like i’m talking about something in the future, but for you its the past. weird.  well its probably weirder for you than for me, because i have no idea what the title is, but you’ve already read it so your all like *insert voice imitation here* “why is he, like, talking about, something he totally, like, wrote about already?” Yes, i gave you a circa late 80′s early 90′s teenager cheerleader accent. it was better than the other one i was thinking “vhy ess ‘e tawkin’ aboot sumting ‘e wrote aboot alreadeh?” or of course the classic “Why on earth is this chap informing me of details that he has already disclosed to my person on a previous engagement? Has he gone off his rocker?” I hope at least some of you exhibit that level of education for two reasons. One; I need overseers for my minion legions, commanders of tens, hundreds and thousands, slave drivers, advisers, confidants, etc. Also, reason Two: I need someone to check spelling and grammar in my blogs, everyone know that ‘wen A blog loooks liek thiss peeples Hates, itt lOts nd alot.’  I apologize for putting you through that, there is a grammar nazi crying somewhere. Ok, third point if i can bring us back  to the main rabbit trail. I have blogged again. but i have a feeling you figured that out already. (please say you figured it out already) I know there are at least a few people excited about this, me being one of them. let’s see its been a while. January 26th was my last blog, so that’s 156 days.  (3,744 hours, or 224,640 minutes or 13,478,400 seconds…put who’s counting?) in my defense that’s only 24 Pluto days, ok, that’s still a long time…its only 196 Neptune days! wait, what? Neptune’s days are shorter? Why?!? curse you solar system, ok, how about Uranus…stop snickering…nope its 209. Does no planet have longer days than earth, making my absence seem less?  A-HA! (no, i’m not shamelessly promoting the band that sings the classic song, take on me.) I found a planet with a really long day: Venus. say hello to me being away for only 0.64 of a Venus day. So not very long at all. Of course we aren’t on Venus, good thing too, the atmosphere, heat and lack of Tim Hortons would be the death of us.

We pasted all our hopes on him
Like the paper hearts on a homemade valentine
But we wasted all our hopes on a whim
And they let us down
It’s all coming down again

look, I brought the Lyrics back! That’s Homemade Valentine by Children 18:3 see you guys soon, i hope §

And yes, in my books…pluto is a planet

the votes have been tabulated

So, as some of my loyal minions have observed I’ve learned how to put polls into this blog. Honestly, i haven’t been this excited since i learned Star Wars underwear came in adult sizes (that may be a bit too much information, but you get the idea) That’s also a joke too, I’m not wearing any sort of movie related undergarments (all my Batman ones shrunk, I told mom not to put them in the dryer but noooo, she wouldn’t listen) Undies aside, back to the polls. What better way to consult the masses from everything to their favorite ice cream, best way to parallel park, how to mow the lawn, ways to fortify a city under siege, built catamarans and any other idea that may pop into this pink mushy lump that sits between my ears. At least  i think its pink. Ever wonder about that? you always see in movies, medical shows, biology textbooks and the grill of your car pinkish/red organs. Cuz you know blood is really a bluish/purply colour, without air, so if you bled in space you’d bleed blue. Although, given the fact that space is a vacuum if you would most likely be ripped apart by the oxygen being pulled out of your body. (lame science joke. Why does outer space suck? cuz its a vacuum…hahaha…yeah? no…no laughs? guess i need to hire a better joke writer, sorry dad you just lost your spot) But you do get to wear those nifty space suits 9note to self, casual Friday on a space walk, bad idea, jeans and a T-shirt with your Hulk underpants don’t cut it when you’re hurtling around the earth at several thousand kilometers an hour) So there’s definitely gonna be a poll in this blog, and in accordance to the rest of everything i write, it will reek with wittiness, insightfulness and that ‘Luke Touch’ And like everything else i write it won’t have any relation to the rest of this post. nothing to do with underwear, space or polls. Well, ok being a poll it obviously will have some resemblance to that but the similarities end there. And thanks to your overwhelming response (5 votes last i checked) you have all passed the test of identifying a poll (only one IDIOT pressed ‘yes’ wait…that was me…hmm, maybe i should take some sort of Eye Cue test…i mean IQ) Intelligence Quota right? or is it quotient? hang on while i google it.  So it is quotient, silly me telling you to wait. You get to read this all smoothly (or as smoothly as you can with my random topic changes salad)  while i had to toil, typing in an ‘I’ and a ‘Q’ into the search bar then reading the first few lines of the wiki entry to figure it out. So i guess you can’t really trust this data, teachers always say wiki is a wretched gathering of scum and villainery just lurking around waiting to prey on small unsuspecting internet surfers. Like a shark. Or a telemarketer. Or a uncovered manhole. or that fingernail that you clipped off like a week ago but it flew off somewhere then you are walking around the bathroom groggily one morning and it lodges itself in the soft part of your baby toe. thats what wiki is like, a lost fingernail… remember that analogy…analogies are my forte’ Now that part you’ve all been waiting for:

Happy reading §

K, i was just trying the poll feature..i think it works :)

I wanna be a dinosaur

Are you the kind of person your grade 2 self would be proud of? I know that back in the day my grade 2 self was deathly terrified of any and every teenager. they were a scary species, afraid of no one and feared by all who were still learning their times tables. I look at myself now and realize there’s nothing to be afraid of, i wouldn’t even talk to someone that young let alone bully them (or give them the dreaded swirlies, wedgies, spit balls and pantsing) Pretty sure my grade 2 self would be terrified of me, tipping the scales at nearly 180lbs i’m a mountain of muscle that should not be reckoned with… (this is where we can separate those who know me and those who don’t, those who believe that the 180 pounds is muscle…we have yet to meet in person) but still, i’m at least 6 feet tall, easily double my grade 2 height. Although i’m about the same weight (i was that chubby kid in class, remember previous posts? yeah, chubby, smelly no-friend kid was me)  But i think what makes me really scary is that i’m older. young kids are scared of older ones. If i could meet my self from 10 years ago, pretty sure he’d cry. Then once we calmed him down, found a toy or a sucker and we talked a bit, pretty sure his first comment would be ‘We get a girlfriend?!?!’ followed by some rapid breathing into a paper bag to calm him down (i was also quite the womanizer in the earlier years, mom said i played soccer, but mostly i would just stand on the field and talk to girls on the other team (back in the day of co-ed sports)) Then he’d wanna know about my job, and he would think i’m lame for serving coffee and not being a firefighter, astronaut, superhero or dinosaur. he’d think its cool that i drive too, and of course, le piece de resistance (oh, and my sick french speaking skills too) my minions. His creative juices would be flowing just like mine and he’d want to write a blog (he couldn’t of course, i have very rigorous standards to uphold)   . Funny how i refer to him as him not younger me, its like he’s a different person.  like when i tell a story of what i did yesterday i still say ‘I did this’ and ‘i said that’ and ‘i blew up that’ and ‘i plotted this’  What would your younger self thing of where you are? would you be proud of yourself? or would little you give older you a talking to?or possibly little you would be too busy trying to find a dry pair of pants to talk to you. I don’t know, mainly because stupid scientists…ahem i mean ‘scientists’ (said with great contempt) who spend all their time making diet pills and safer cars instead of making time machines and teleporters. Come on, how am i going to go back to the future without time machines? 2015 is coming up soon, so if i don’t get my Delorian i’m gonna be ticked.  So hopefully this post makes up for all the days i’ve missed…probably not since you minions are a greedy, graby little bunch (i’m so proud *wipes away tear*) have a greta week, I’ll try to get another post up soon, since i’m such a nice guy

oh no! 566 words in this blog! that’s not an important number at all, never mind false alarm… §

Merry Christmas…Boxing Day…Three days after Christmas

merry Christmas. yes, i still say Christmas and while I am all for keeping the Christ in Merry Christmas i am also a firm believer in keeping the Merry in Merry Christmas. Why is it that as we get deeper into this season of joy (wait, what? Christmas is over? oh..) As we got further into that season just a few days ago, it seemed like more people got tense and angry.  First off stores blow everything out of proportion, commercials on TV, they’re redonculous and children are too whiny.  Secondly they shouldn’t be shopping on the last day and expect everything they want to be in stock (come on, hasn’t everyone seen Jingle All The Way? that’s what happens when you leave your Christmas shopping) Shopping on the last day is a privileged reserved for those too lazy to do their shopping beforehand and too apathetic to care if they actually make the receiver of the gift happy. For instance: chocolates, the ideal last minute gifts. Giving someone chocolates says ‘I was too late/lazy to get you something that will last til the New Year, so i got you something tasty.’ Note, this is a bad idea for lactose intolerant people, maybe just get them socks everyone loves socks. (I really hope you can see the sarcasm there, if not i may have to have you sent to the sarcasmetrist and he’ll do that little thing where he goes its it mockery now or now? until you get it.) anywho, back to gift ideas, i definitely have some of the best friends and family ever!  being my minions, I’m sure all of you want to hear, in great detail, what Santa brought for me. (little kids this is for you: Santa’s not real, hahaha childhood destroyed!) but yeah, i got a decent ipod dock and speakers, a lovely flannel shirt (its plaid with buttons, perfect for being a manly man in the wilderness), chocolates out the wazoo (that’s what i get for being Swiss)a bathroom reader (more useless facts, people you best be excited) amazing socks (your sarcasmetrist called, you need to be re-tested)  a star wars calender (with original concept art) A Christmas Story (good movie) and some other swag here and there. Glad you all wanted to know about my life. Anyway, how’d this start…um..oh right, the Merry in Merry Christmas. thirdly (remember, i already had two point on this) people gorget about their families, i was working Boxing Day and i saw so many people in town. (I know i wasn’t spending family time either but i had to work)  So many people looking for great deals. why don’t we just secretly move Christmas back a few weeks, and not tell the stores? we all get great deals, stores still sell stuff (though if people aren’t buying as much before Christmas they can’t afford to have the sales…kinda a catch-22 there) and everyone is happy. So, Merry Christmas everybody! hope you enjoyed it and if i don’t get another blog out doon, have a happy new year!

My loyal Archminion has been very busy this holiday season and has therefore not had the chance to draw a Santa hat on Gustav there 9also, i forgot to ask her til today) so just use your imagination. §